y kant tucker write

[jazzfish]

"Why I can't write" turns out to be one of those things that my brain just slides off of rather than grappling with. I literally cannot hold the idea in my head for long enough to say anything coherent about it. Usually when that happens I forget about it altogether. It's some sort of defence against prodding too much at something very frightening. I've only kept track of it this time through concentrated effort.

Anyway, writing. I've been here before, and sort of skirted around what was actually going on. Now I'm getting closer to it but still not to a point where I can think usefully about it.

A tangent: in my limited experience, the two main attitudes of counselors/therapists are "wait the patient out, they'll bring up the hard stuff on their own when they're ready" and "prod the patient gently to get at the hard stuff." Prodding seems to provide more immediate results for me, since I'm very good at Not Thinking About things. However, my current counselor is more of a waiting type. This has the (probably intended) result that if I don't bring in something to talk about there's not much talking going on. So when something happens like "I spent three days straight playing a computer game that I'm not even sure I like very much," I bring that up, and it turns out to be relevant. Anyway. Tangent over.

Normally when people think about being afraid of writing, it's the whole 'what if it isn't any good' thing. I don't have that, so much. I mean, I moan about how awful my stuff is as much as the next writer but I don't let that stop me. I keep going, usually with friendly support and 'it doesn't suck' from various people. Once it's Out There for whatever value of Out There, I don't worry so much. It's either good enough or it isn't and either way the next one will be better.

This... has something to do with the weight I place on Being A Writer, and something to do with needing other people, and, oddly, some relation to a couple of other things I'd like to do but haven't pursued.

Twitter turns out to be a horrible medium for me to feel connected to anybody. It really is like being at a huge party all the time, and as such it's exhausting for me. (I am decidedly not comfortable with jumping into conversations.) Unfortunately it's also where much of my writerly social circle is being sociable and supportive. That's more of a big deal for me than I'd thought it would be. It's not a cause, I don't think, but it's not helping. I am, as always, deeply grateful for the people I have here. DW/LJ helps. It's just not enough.

Which is in some sense the problem. What I can get isn't enough, and so I stop asking and seeking. Not sure how to resolve that.

SAM: Well, that was needlessly cryptic.
MAX: I'd be peeing my pants if I wore any.

Comments

[thanate]

I've been using twitter to check my "I will read things people have to say and feel like I'm being sociable" block, and not actually posting real posts, or anything. And ignoring the post-NaNo writing slump as usual. So, yeah. Something ought to be done. Darned if I know what, either. (ok, in my case "finish this house stuff" first, but that's not exactly eating all my time or anything.)

Vague thoughts:

*make pacts among several of us to post progress (like L is doing, perhaps?) at regular intervals. Make sure everyone actually does. (ha.)

*Maggie suggested trying to network through other VP alums to find/make a good writing group. She also recommends audition periods for adding people, & some other stuff... you can see how much I've done with that so far.

*the usual "this hour is for writing" or daily wordcount goals, but exactly how to make that work (or particularly start making that work) I'm not entirely sure. Have you done the set a timer & just focus until to goes off thing? It sounded like that was working pretty well for other people besides me. Then you only have the starting in the first place problem... to which perhaps you could apply a Karen Prior style rewards system? (see also Don't Shoot the Dog, which claims to be about training animals, but is also about useful brain hacking methods.)

*more expansively, set up a reward system for progress: 100 more words gets you a cookie, 1000 a break to go do something else fun... tweak to apply to you... yeah, I don't know. It's also possible that I'm now using suggestions to other people as a way of putting off doing anything of my own.

[jazzfish]

I've been told by several people that Don't Shoot The Dog is a very good writing book. Unless I'm mistaking it for something else.

Rewards systems tend to not work for me; it's too easy to just take the reward.

Some amount of the problem lies in conflating "writing" and "sociable," and some of it might be related to lack of sunlight. And some of it's just a lack of focus on anything in general. I'm about to try a task-management thing (Omnifocus), and will see if that helps me with "oh right there are bite-sized useful things i can be doing."

(I wholly support the 'more discussion' idea.)

[thanate]

I've been told by several people that Don't Shoot The Dog is a very good writing book.

It could be, I guess... it's a good understanding how motivations actually work (as opposed to how we think they do) book.

I think the timer thing is partly a way of circumventing the "but I can just take the reward" problem. (the other answer, of course, is to get someone else to dispense rewards upon proof of progress, but that's problematic in other ways.)

[aamcnamara]

Hm. I've mostly been lurking Twitter (and the VP mailing lists); I can definitely empathize with that part of things.

(After finals end, I'll have a lot more time to write and be online--if there's a way that LJ/DW could be more satisfying for you socially, suggest it? Sometimes I do daily wordcounts/updates/whatever on big projects, which helps keep me accountable. Or we could do a kind of Bittercon thing where someone comes up with a topic to discuss in comments, or something. Which would also help keep me on track.)

[thanate]

I kind of like the discussion idea. Interesting...

[jazzfish]

I'm not sure whether they can be, is the problem: a lack of social interaction in general is compounding the writing difficulties.

Having said that, the discussion idea would be fun. Possibly an LJ or DW community?

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

Drink more. Seriously, a beer would help me babble out those pages and pages of college papers, and then I'd clean them up later.

[jazzfish]

... tempting. I'm trying very hard to avoid having Rituals and such that I require in order to write but it might be useful to get things started.

[blairmacg.livejournal.com]

Hugs to you, dear. I wish I could do more.

[jazzfish]

*halfsmile* Thanks. *hug* I'm not sure what there is to /be/ done, you know?

[blairmacg.livejournal.com]

Yep, I sure do.

Tangent meeting: My grief counselor isn't of the gentle-prodding side, nor the wait-it-out side. He's blunt and tough and challenging, which works best for me. Softer styles permit me to cease participating.

[jazzfish]

Oh, does that ever make sense. I'd be the same way, except that after N years I'm fed up enough with the inside of my head being the way it is that I provide my own prodding.

[stealthmuffin.livejournal.com]

Would (belated) LJ support and sociability help? I'm not on Twitter for a number of reasons, but I can try to comment more regularly.

[jazzfish]

I'm actually very happy (pleasantly surprised, even) with the amount of LJ comments/support/sociability I get. It's more that I'm trying to make up for an almost complete lack of people IRL through LJ etc, which is Not Working.