Indeed do many things come to pass

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/updates-asking-for-a-raise-reporting-a-manager-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31678

Here are four updates from past letter-writers.

1. Can I ask for a raise after covering for remote coworkers for over a year? (#3 at the link; first update here)

It’s been three years since I last sent an update, I’m still working for the same organization and the same boss, yet so much has happened since then, both personally and professionally.

Not long after I wrote in to you for the second time, a member of my immediate family had a series of serious medical emergencies that resulted in some pretty scary moments over the course of the year. I was the primary caretaker, so ironically, I was the one now working remotely quite a bit during this time to deal with it all.

While I made every effort to be on top of my work and to not overwhelm those in office, my boss and colleagues could not have been more supportive and willing to help with anything I needed. My boss constantly checked in because she didn’t want me overworked or overwhelmed and we had many conversations on what I needed. They gave me the flexibility to do my work yet focus on being there for my loved ones and make some challenging decisions. I cannot express how much easier this made my life when I wasn’t at 100%. It really goes to show how much that flexibility and support for everyone in the workplace is needed and how it can benefit everyone no matter where you are in life or what your situation is. (I’m so fortunate to say that after many months my family member is now doing much better.)

Over the last couple of years I also received additional raises, really wonderful reviews from my boss, and additional promotions. This all culminated with me being awarded an industry recognition last month, one that my boss nominated me for along with other higher-ups in our organization. I was and am still in shock! I’ve never had my work recognized to this degree before, so this is new and very humbling for me.

Don’t get me wrong, my job, boss, and company are far from perfect! But I realize how extremely lucky I am to have a reasonable, supportive boss and coworkers and flexibility in my job, especially when so many are facing challenges in the job market today. I’m grateful for that and for Alison’s advice to keep speaking up to let people know what you need. Here’s to positive updates for everyone here for current and future jobs!

2. I’m having second thoughts about the new job I’ve already accepted (#2 at the link)

Thank you so much for your advice, which was to dig a bit deeper into why I didn’t want the new job to see whether these are valid reasons or just fear of change. It was very helpful as a framework, as were the very kind commenters.

Did I take the advice? … not as much as I should have. I never did get to the bottom of what was bothering me about the new job, and I am now just over a week into it, not really vibing with it, and still none-the-wiser as to WHY. It has been a little in-at-the-deep-end in a busy period and I am feeling somewhat overwhelmed, although trying to maintain some good initial boundaries. The people are for the most part very pleasant, although the culture is very different from that which I am used to. The work itself is very different from that of my former role in terms of substance, which I was expecting to some extent, and in approach and external partnerships, which I was not (although probably should have), and these differences are quite challenging. I don’t know whether it would have been better had I come in feeling more confident and optimistic about the move; I’m trying to lean into it now. One thing I was very worried about was missing my team and my manager, which I do — but I’m still in a lot of contact with my former manager and we’re meeting for drinks next week to discuss and debrief; I met my former teammate last week, and my former team still include me on current affairs gossip (to some extent), so it doesn’t feel like a complete break.

Commenter advice I took: talk with others/write down pros and cons lists. I talked to SO many people, all with differing perspectives and advice. I think on balance it was helpful — not necessarily for the advice, but just to talk about it. Commenter advice I should have taken: take some leave. I was burning out on work and on decision angst and had I taken a week or so off in January I think I would have been able to think more clearly. A lesson for the future!

3. I reported a manager, who’s now trashing me whenever my name comes up

My employer settled with me for a significant monetary amount (think a large portion of my annual salary). It’s not clear whether the responsible managers will face any consequences, but that’s not something I’d necessarily know.

This settlement would not have occurred without the benefit of extensive documentation on my end. Some of the most damning pieces of evidence turned out to be my requests to management to deal with the situation, and their responses to those requests, which ranged from unhelpful to illegal. I don’t know that I’d have had the confidence to make those requests if it had not been for the encouragement from both you and the comment section.

I also did ultimately retain an employment lawyer, who was a tremendous asset in both confirming the strength of my position and explaining the complexities of relevant laws. I was fortunate that I was able to access one – I know that’s not possible for everyone. But, it made a difference and is worth doing for those who find themselves in similar situations and are able to do so.

This was a terrible experience that I would not wish upon anyone. I’d rather have the last year of my life back than any amount of money.

4. Am I a bad employee? (#2 at the link)

Whew, my letter was written a whole pandemic ago.

Well … lots has changed in these few years: most notably that all of the admin team that considered me as “satisfactory” versus “outstanding” has moved on. For my next two evaluations I told my new administrators that I was not filling out volumes of self-reflection or explanations and told them why. Showing just how subjective the county’s evaluation system was and is, these admins still gave me several “outstandings” when I specifically said I didn’t want them. I was really surprised as I hadn’t filled out the paperwork to get them. They did! Twice! Funny too that they are so new to our building that they aren’t even aware that of the various projects I have worked on over the years (like creating a building schedule for 1000 students).

Your advice was right, Alison, as all those extras did burnish my resume and reputation over the years. At the mid-point of my career I changed schools and was considered a top candidate. I’m glad that I worked hard for 20 plus years and still understand a lot of what goes on in running a school. I’ve enjoyed mentoring new teachers and student teachers and get my real appreciation when I visit with them. It was time to slow down and maybe I should’ve done it sooner. I am still a “go to” person when my colleagues have a question or concern about something. Still, saying no has been a positive game changer.

Now for the best news: I’m going to retire this year! I’ve put in my time and am ready to go. Financially it makes sense and I’m happy that my evaluation bitterness is long behind me. I truly chuckle about it these days and the then-principal now admits she was too much of a rule follower and should have done some things differently. I’m glad for my career choices and still like my school and appreciate the new leadership there. I hope to come back and substitute for extra spending money. I try to tell new teachers (there are two in my family now) to unplug on nights and weekends, consider doing ONE extra (unless there’s pay involved) and try to focus on teaching and learning. Thanks!

The post updates: asking for a raise, reporting a manager, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/updates-asking-for-a-raise-reporting-a-manager-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31678

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/how-can-i-come-across-as-more-polished-at-my-spouses-work-events.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31698

It’s the Thursday “ask the readers” question. A reader writes:

In previous letters, you’ve mentioned how some employees may require a level of “polish,” i.e., for customer-facing or highly public roles. I wondered if you (or readers) could dig a little more into what that means. I’m asking because my husband recently got a very big promotion, and he’s now interfacing with a lot of important people. We’re getting invited to nice dinners. I’m afraid I’m in way over my head.

While I don’t think I’m ill-mannered, I definitely do not consider myself polished. I’m an introvert who isn’t great at making conversation. I’ve never attended business dinners or schmoozed, and I know that a certain level of that may be expected of me. This is a first for both of us, so I don’t think my husband can help me much in this arena, either.

I want to make a good impression on the people he works with and for us to be a good team. What can I keep in mind, work on, or practice to make sure I’m putting my best self out there?

Readers, give your best advice in the comments section!

The post how can I come across as more “polished” at my spouse’s work events? appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/how-can-i-come-across-as-more-polished-at-my-spouses-work-events.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=31698

Posted by Ask a Manager

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/coworker-is-abusive-because-shes-hormonal-boss-disapproves-when-i-take-time-off-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32023

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker is allowed to be verbally abusive because she’s “hormonal”

I’m terribly distressed about my workplace right now. I’m a lesbian at the level of director of a department. A colleague (Jane, the assistant director of the entire operation, but I do not report to her) lashes out, makes false accusations, and has even hung up on me after I asked a simple question. She’s been this way for years, according to a few of my coworkers. I’ve been there just six months, and it’s been crazy-making because of her.

The director was just fired and some powerful patrons told me to hold on, that Jane was finally going to be disciplined severely. The interim director comes on board, no change with the verbal abuse. Three weeks in, the interim director comes into my office and says that she had had a miscarriage when she and her husband were trying to have a baby, and that Jane and her husband are trying to have a baby and she’s “hormonal.” She said she could relate and wanted me to see this perspective.

I felt alienated and othered and that I didn’t have a voice, as the only LGBTQ+ person there. I emailed the interim director and told her just that, and that I no longer felt the place to be a safe space. She didn’t respond. I also reached out to a few board members, who told me that the space was safe regardless of my feeling, and this wasn’t heterosexism. Of course the two board members are straight. I’m one furious lesbian. Would really appreciate your opinion.

The issue is that it’s not appropriate to expect employees to tolerate verbal abuse regardless of the cause, whether it’s because someone is “hormonal” or getting a divorce or has cancer or any other reason. Verbal abuse is unacceptable, period. Certainly a person’s context might help their workplace understand what’s going on, but it doesn’t make it okay or something others should be told to tolerate.

I don’t read the “hormonal” explanation as being heterosexism; people don’t need to be straight to be “hormonal” (or to try to have a baby, for that matter). To the extent that your office doesn’t feel like a safe space, it’s because an employee has been allowed to abuse other employees for years and now your interim director has made it sound like you should continue to tolerate that. You’re likely to be a lot more effective framing it that way.

Related:
my boss is abusive and blames it on PMDD

2. My boss makes negative comments when I take time off

I’ve been employed at my company as an IT person for more than 10 years, and I accumulate paid time off at rate of just under 7-1/2 hours per two-week pay period. I use that time pretty freely, but I’ve never run out of time. I’ve never had to forego a vacation because I’d used too much time previously. Never had to come in sick because I didn’t have the PTO balance to cover a missed day. And on the other side of the equation, I’ve never missed a project deadline due to being absent. If I’m using some of the time for a spontaneous day off, I never pick a day where a critical meeting was scheduled or where my absence is likely to cause problems for other people. In short, I try to be professional about this.

However, my manager never sees a request for PTO come across his desk for approval without feeling the need to comment on how much time I use. Not about work going undone, mind you: just about the use of the PTO itself. I’ll hear about how rarely he uses his own (he once parted ways with a company with 500 unused hours of paid time off or similar). Or I’ll hear about a direct report of his at a previous job who ran out of PTO and had to be let go. I just submitted a request for a day off on my wife’s birthday, which is a month away, and after which I’ll still have 32 hours banked, and got an email from my manager basically asking if I was using the time because I’d accumulated so much I was looking to burn some just for the sake of it. This is driving me nuts!

It’s also out of step with our company’s culture. He’s the fifth person I’ve reported to during my time here, and none of the previous four ever felt the need to remark on my PTO usage. The company makes no differentiation between sick time, vacation time, or any other application of paid time off. There’s nothing in the employee manual to suggest that our use of the benefit should be constrained by anything other than making sure our duties are taken care of while we’re gone. I’m not sure my irritation about this has yet risen to the level where I need to do something about it, but if I get to that point, what’s my best move? Find some diplomatic way to ask him to stop? Raise the issue with HR, since it’s a benefit we’re supposed to have free use of? This feels like I’m being coached on something I absolutely do not need any coaching on.

Start by raising it directly with him: “Do you have concerns about the way I use PTO? I’ve never run out of PTO or missed a deadline due to being gone, I’m careful to choose days where my absence won’t affect other people, and as far as I know I’m in compliance with our policy on how time off should be used. But you’ve made some comments that sounded like you have a concern about how I’m using it, so I want to make sure there’s nothing I’m missing.”

Depending on how this conversation goes (like if it comes out that he doesn’t think anyone should use PTO and everyone should leave jobs with 500 hours banked like he did), you might want to talk to HR at that point since your manager shouldn’t be discouraging you from using benefits that are part of your compensation and it’s out of sync with the rest of your company’s culture. But start by raising it with him and see what he says.

3. My employee is demoralized after a promotion was dangled in front her and then yanked away

I am a senior manager of a small analytics team that is highly respected and works closely with our sales teams. A few of our teams are focusing on some mid-level positions as part of the succession plan. Maple, the head of our office, approached one of my top performers, Joy, to see if she would be interested in joining sales team A (people she supports). This type of transition is not part of the typical career progression in our field but it does happen. In fact, last year one of my other reports did a similar transition. While it would be a loss to my team, this is a good opportunity for Joy to try something new since she has hit a peak in her technical skills.

Joy wrestled with the decision for two weeks but ultimately decided that this would be good for her. Unfortunately, when Maple and HR had a call with Joy, they informed her that she wouldn’t be able to join the team. They told her that people going into the sales role must first gain experience in team B or team C. Those teams are not as exciting to Joy for a multitude of reasons. This explanation is also highly suspect as Joy has talked to HR before the decision (this requirement should’ve been brought up then), they approached her specifically about team A, and we have a few examples of this role change without going to team B or C.

Joy called me in distress after this meeting. She is having a hard time not taking this personally (I suspect she knows they aren’t telling her the true reason). I am well regarded in my company and I have political capital with Maple. But even if I uncover the truth, how do I move forward with Joy or make it right by her?

Convincing Maple to put Joy into team A doesn’t seem to be a solution (rejection and then acceptance wouldn’t feel genuine). Joy will do well staying with my team (she’s on track to be a manager in 12-18 months) but I’m not sure we can just go back to the way things were. Her trust in our leadership is significantly lost. Most of my team isn’t aware of this situation, so group morale should not be affected. But I fear that we will lose Joy. My gut tells me at minimum, I should get our leadership team to make a sincere apology to Joy. But I feel like there’s something additional I should do as well … I’m just not sure what it would be. Could you give me any guidance?

Talk to Maple and HR and find out what happened! Why did Maple approach Joy about the position, only to later tell her it wasn’t possible? And why is Joy being required to move to team B or C first, when others taking a similar path weren’t held to that? It’s possible that there’s a reasonable explanation — maybe things have changed since previous people did that (and maybe for good reason, if having those people go straight to team A made them realize it didn’t work well without experience with B or C first) and Maple didn’t realize that when she made the initial offer to Joy. Or maybe Maple always intended that Joy would do B or C first but didn’t explain that well to Joy initially, or Joy somehow missed it. Or maybe Maple developed concerns about Joy after that initial call, or who knows what else, but the first step here is to talk to Maple and HR and find out what happened. You can’t handle anything without getting to the bottom of what happened and why.

Once you have that conversation, you’ll be much better equipped to figure out the right next steps, which — depending on what you learn — could be getting clearer and more accurate info to Joy, or advocating for her to be moved to A after all (you said “rejection and then acceptance wouldn’t feel genuine” but if you have a clear narrative of why things unfolded the way they did, it might not feel that way), or being up-front with Maple that you’re likely to lose Joy over this. But the first step is to dig into it so you know what happened and why.

4. Can I offer our payroll people as references?

I am currently a licensed home care worker, and my job involves working one-on-one with elderly and/or disabled clients in their homes. Unfortunately, that job is not full time, and with the attempts to cancel Medicaid and Medicare, it’s also not very stable, even with the union we are lucky enough to be a part of. I need to find and take on freelance and part-time work to fill in the gaps and provide a safety net. I am specifically looking for administrative work that will allow me to continue caring for my client while taking on other tasks. I am not necessarily looking in the medical field.

I did recently graduate college after going back as an adult learner, but I’ve been a home care worker for over a decade now, so I don’t really have any references that can speak to how I work on a day-to-day basis. Our clients or their families are our supervisors and usually our only contact through the day. The best I can offer is to let a potential employer speak with the group that handles our payroll, as letting potential employers speak to the client directly would break their HIPAA rights. The payroll team is able to answer many of the same questions that HR would: when I started, if my license is current and in good standing, if I have any marks against me, and so on.

I did have good rapport with some of my teachers (we were about the same age and had some of the same responsibilities) and did excellent work for them, graduating with a very high GPA and with honors. Can I use my teachers and payroll for references? Are there other ideas for how to find references? I have a good resume and I still have all of my administrative skills, but this bit has me flummoxed.

I would be confused if someone offered payroll as a reference (as they’re typically just the ones issuing your paychecks), but is there anyone else who oversaw your work? Who hired you, and who would have handled complaints from your clients if there were any? That person, if they exist, would be a better choice. If there’s no one like that, are you sure you can’t ask any of the families if they’d be willing to be a reference? It doesn’t violate HIPAA if they’re the ones agreeing to talk; you can’t share their info, but they can share whatever they decide to share on their own.

You could also use professors, but most jobs will want to talk to someone who’s worked with you professionally, not just academically.

5. How to explain I was out for stress leave

For a bunch of reasons (I got engaged and need to plan a wedding, two elderly family members died close together, work in general) I’ve recently been signed off for stress for a month. I’m using the time to work on my coping mechanisms, recovering from burn out, and generally recuperating, but there’s a bit of anxiety about what I tell people when I come back after being away for so long.

I get the feeling that no one really will care or mention it after I’m back for a few days, but if someone does ask, what is the right thing to say? “I’ve taken some time off for stress” feels like something where I’d need to look “ill enough” and “I’ve been out with medical issues” feels overly vague. My boss knows why, so it’s all squared away there. I don’t know what she’s told the team, though.

You don’t need to address it all, beyond “glad to be back” or something like that. If someone asks directly why you were away, it’s completely normal to say something vague like “medical leave” — as in, “Oh, just a short medical leave, but I’m fine now.” That’s not overly vague! It’s the most common way to handle it. If anyone pushes for details — well, that would be really rude of them, but even then people are usually just looking for assurance that you’re okay, and you can simply say, “Just some medical stuff I had to take care of, but nothing to worry about.”

The post coworker is abusive because she’s “hormonal,” boss disapproves when I take time off, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.

https://www.askamanager.org/2025/07/coworker-is-abusive-because-shes-hormonal-boss-disapproves-when-i-take-time-off-and-more.html

https://www.askamanager.org/?p=32023