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jazzfishEverything feels pointless, in a way that it hasn't since ... ever, for me, I think. I've been in worse mental spaces but they've always felt localised to me, the rest of the world goes on as usual.
The plague isn't going away. I've got flights and hotel reservations (and ought to get train/bus tickets) for Niagara for the second half of August, for the Gathering and also Sarah. But Gathering attendees are dropping out one by one, delta-variant cases are rising, and it is not unlikely that I really shouldn't go at all. It is pretty much guaranteed that travel for the next, say, six months after this is a Bad Idea. Probably indefinitely. Dammit.
Work is several kinds of stupid, as usual. Other options for employment have not panned out. Continuing to apply for jobs feels especially pointless. I've been doing it consistently for over a year now, and sporadically for at least three. Bah.
I have stuck myself in a place where I have one (1) contact, and am losing what ability I had to remain connected to other people without physical presence. And I am not even sure that "go back to Vancouver" would fix that, there are at most a half-dozen people there I'd like to see.
I make food, I read books and watch shows. I occasionally put some effort into yoga or music or writing, for reasons that escape me at the moment. Pointless.
And US democracy is en route to a complete fucking collapse because the verdammt Senate won't take voting rights seriously, and climate change is ... hell, it's here. The Time Of Angry Weather, is I think what Graydon S-- called it. And and and. "Get used to the taste of ashes."
I did sleep last night, most of eight hours. So this isn't just the tired talking. I am somewhat certain that it is not actually as bad as it looks, but it still all feels ... well. Pointless.
Once there was a man who attained his heart's desire.
I've had that opening line stuck in my brain for at least six months now, probably longer than that. You wanted to be where you are / but it looked much better from afar, or And this is what we wanted / a place to settle down / But nothing can prepare you / for the gravity of ground. Grass, greener, etc.
Perhaps things will improve. Perhaps I will go to Niagara and spend time away from home and away from work and that will reset my brain. Perhaps the horse will learn to sing.
The plague isn't going away. I've got flights and hotel reservations (and ought to get train/bus tickets) for Niagara for the second half of August, for the Gathering and also Sarah. But Gathering attendees are dropping out one by one, delta-variant cases are rising, and it is not unlikely that I really shouldn't go at all. It is pretty much guaranteed that travel for the next, say, six months after this is a Bad Idea. Probably indefinitely. Dammit.
Work is several kinds of stupid, as usual. Other options for employment have not panned out. Continuing to apply for jobs feels especially pointless. I've been doing it consistently for over a year now, and sporadically for at least three. Bah.
I have stuck myself in a place where I have one (1) contact, and am losing what ability I had to remain connected to other people without physical presence. And I am not even sure that "go back to Vancouver" would fix that, there are at most a half-dozen people there I'd like to see.
I make food, I read books and watch shows. I occasionally put some effort into yoga or music or writing, for reasons that escape me at the moment. Pointless.
And US democracy is en route to a complete fucking collapse because the verdammt Senate won't take voting rights seriously, and climate change is ... hell, it's here. The Time Of Angry Weather, is I think what Graydon S-- called it. And and and. "Get used to the taste of ashes."
I did sleep last night, most of eight hours. So this isn't just the tired talking. I am somewhat certain that it is not actually as bad as it looks, but it still all feels ... well. Pointless.
Once there was a man who attained his heart's desire.
I've had that opening line stuck in my brain for at least six months now, probably longer than that. You wanted to be where you are / but it looked much better from afar, or And this is what we wanted / a place to settle down / But nothing can prepare you / for the gravity of ground. Grass, greener, etc.
Perhaps things will improve. Perhaps I will go to Niagara and spend time away from home and away from work and that will reset my brain. Perhaps the horse will learn to sing.