i think harry nilsson made an album about this once

[jazzfish]

Everything feels pointless, in a way that it hasn't since ... ever, for me, I think. I've been in worse mental spaces but they've always felt localised to me, the rest of the world goes on as usual.

The plague isn't going away. I've got flights and hotel reservations (and ought to get train/bus tickets) for Niagara for the second half of August, for the Gathering and also Sarah. But Gathering attendees are dropping out one by one, delta-variant cases are rising, and it is not unlikely that I really shouldn't go at all. It is pretty much guaranteed that travel for the next, say, six months after this is a Bad Idea. Probably indefinitely. Dammit.

Work is several kinds of stupid, as usual. Other options for employment have not panned out. Continuing to apply for jobs feels especially pointless. I've been doing it consistently for over a year now, and sporadically for at least three. Bah.

I have stuck myself in a place where I have one (1) contact, and am losing what ability I had to remain connected to other people without physical presence. And I am not even sure that "go back to Vancouver" would fix that, there are at most a half-dozen people there I'd like to see.

I make food, I read books and watch shows. I occasionally put some effort into yoga or music or writing, for reasons that escape me at the moment. Pointless.

And US democracy is en route to a complete fucking collapse because the verdammt Senate won't take voting rights seriously, and climate change is ... hell, it's here. The Time Of Angry Weather, is I think what Graydon S-- called it. And and and. "Get used to the taste of ashes."

I did sleep last night, most of eight hours. So this isn't just the tired talking. I am somewhat certain that it is not actually as bad as it looks, but it still all feels ... well. Pointless.

Once there was a man who attained his heart's desire.

I've had that opening line stuck in my brain for at least six months now, probably longer than that. You wanted to be where you are / but it looked much better from afar, or And this is what we wanted / a place to settle down / But nothing can prepare you / for the gravity of ground. Grass, greener, etc.

Perhaps things will improve. Perhaps I will go to Niagara and spend time away from home and away from work and that will reset my brain. Perhaps the horse will learn to sing.

Comments

[reedrover]

Is this home? Is this what I should learn to believe in?
Never dreamed that a home could be dark and cold.
I was told every day in my childhood:
Even when we grow old,
Home should be where the heart is
Never were words so true!
My heart's far, far away.
Home is too.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

It sounds like full-throttle depression. Please take care of yourself.

[jazzfish]

I ... crud. You're probably right. Thank you.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

[vvalkyri]

<3
I considered this time a honeymoon, but yeah I'm not ready to put it away.

The second half of August is still potentially okay. It sucks so much to be having to explain things that way

[vvalkyri]

(covert has a hotel booked For some time in October in New Orleans. I hadn't ever quite figured that it would be a great idea, but it was easily enough cancelable and I thought maybe. At one point I figured that since New Orleans had gotten so slammed, vax rate would be high. Um.

[jazzfish]

Yeah. 'Honeymoon' is probably about right. I never had one of those either; we moved across the continent instead. So the 'honeymoon' was a more or less permanent state of affairs, like normal only better, or 'better'.

Right now I am gritting my teeth and choosing to believe that travel will not become Utterly Unadvisable until after Labour Day, because the alternative feels crushing.

Mostly I'm just so mad that fucken antimaskers and antivaxxers have ensured that the plague will remain A Thing indefinitely.

I hope against hope that you get to go to New Orleans. Or, failing that, that something good and break-like comes up.

[vvalkyri]

I was amenable to going back to NOLA, but when I told Covert I was agreeing to the idea I also told him that I had my doubts the world wouldn't already have gone back to hell by October.

We were in NOLA for Mardi gras of 2020, with it only coming to the news that there was community spread on Ash Wednesday. It wasn't for another little while before we learned that there'd been C19 at Mardis Gras.

I never got to the point of really planning on much travel, although I've been back and forth to Missouri a few times and there had been a thought of going down to North Carolina for a wedding which more likely than not will end up delayed again. I might still drive down to North Carolina. Driving can be pretty safe, especially if it's within a day's drive.

The second time I drove to Missouri it was so wonderful, because everybody was vaxed along the way and I could stay with and visit with friends. I kind of regret I didn't take longer getting there and coming back than I did.

Around here we're taking advantage of it still being lovely out, and several gatherings have been during surprisingly nice weather. There's still a lot left to parse about Delta post vax; I posted over on Facebook a couple more links.

If I recall, the gathering is a very specific set of people, not a huge thing like Gen Con.

<3

[jazzfish]

Road-tripping does seem like the safest way to travel at this point!

The Gathering is sub-300 people (maybe sub-200 at this point), all of whom are vaccinated. And I intend to be masked for pretty much the entire time I'm there. So the event itself isn't really a concern; it's the getting there and back that has me worried. Plus, you know, the general state of the world.

(Currently mildly panicking over the possibility of a positive Covid test preventing me from going down. I don't think it's /likely/ but my sinuses and lungs have been acting up all week.)

[aamcnamara]

I hate those times of life when it just feels like the same slog every day. I remember once getting really pissed off because books never show that part of things--it is only the exciting and interesting times.

I hope you find small joys where you can. I hope you are able to work out a way to see at least a few more people sometimes. Isolation is a fucker (and so are job hunts, and pandemics, and...).

[jazzfish]

Thank you. The isolation has been the worst of it, I think. Plus I withdraw when things are bad, which exacerbates, etc etc.

It's good to hear about small things going well for people. (Or big ones, but maybe especially the small victories and pleasures.)

[culfinriel]

So frustrating about not being able to go to or through Canada. Like, Covid is real and I don't want it, but so frustrating.

[sarahk]

i'm...

isolation is another one.

also i love you.