time passes by
Jan. 2nd, 2014 03:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfishThe weather outside is about the greyest I've ever seen Rain City get. Perfect for some introspection and retrospection.
The year's travel consisted of Los Cabos, Outer Banks, Madison for Wiscon, Boston suburbs for Readercon, Montreal for Farthing Party (<3), and DC twice plus the occasional trip down to Bellingham or Seattle. Acceptable. I'd like there to be more but I'd always like there to be more.
(Perhaps 'travel' is an important life category because it's not something I did much of growing up: summer camps and Arkansan Xmases were about the extent of it. Going to faraway places makes me feel like my life's not as stagnant as it once was. I don't really know, though. I just know I get antsy if I don't pack up and go somewhere else every so often.)
I'm now hosting weekly role-playing and monthly boardgaming nights, so I'm getting my demi-social hobbies in and slowly, ever so slowly, building a social circle here. Erin, who grew up near what will someday be the outer reaches of the Skytrain, says that in her experience new people take 5-6 years to really settle into a group in Vancouver. That's both depressing and hopeful. I'd say "so, i'm about halfway" except that I'm a scared shy introvert and thus expect to take longer than the average.
I did find some individually awesome people this year, though. At Farthing Party I met a number of fantastically interesting folks, including Cera S-- (to whom I still owe email, about which more later). Closer to home, the polyamory group that started last year included Holly B--, who in turn introduced me to a couple dozen of her friends, many of whom enjoy playing Race For the Galaxy. The Belgians are gone, but Steph C-- has localized. Etc. Situation still not good per se, but improving.
I remain mostly stalled out on my own writing. To show for the year: the start of a sword-and-sorcery-type story that I'm interested in, and as of today nearly done expanding and revising City of Memory, and nothing else. I cannot write when I'm exhausted and stressed, and that has been my mental state for much of the last two years. Or maybe that's just an excuse and I'm too scared to finish something and find out I'm not as good as I desperately need to be. I don't know.
The financial situation hasn't changed appreciably since last year. Still treading water. (Though as it happens, we can keep doing this indefinitely through the simple expedient of eating our seed corn. Victory!) There is a very good chance that we'll move out of the Best Apartment Ever this summer, because The Rent Is Too Damn High and also Coal Harbour is a deserted postapocalyptic ghost town after about seven PM, which will improve the situation. There is also a chance that I'll take some unpaid time off from work. This will not help in the slightest with the financial pressure but may be necessary for my mental health. I don't hate my job... but I do dread it, because Reasons. Status quo: unsustainable in the long run, and unalterable in the short run. (this applies to more than just the financials, actually.)
Last year I said that everything in me is saying "go be brain-dead for awhile and maybe it'll be easier when you come back." This hasn't worked yet but that doesn't make it any less appealing on some level. I've finally accepted that while going off to hibernate and be brain-dead may occasionally be necessary, for the most part it isn't going to fix anything. Forcing my way through things doesn't work either. What does work, for certain limited values of "work," is recognising that I'm avoiding something, and talking to myself about why I'm avoiding it, and, with love and patience, convincing myself that it'll be okay to go ahead and deal with whatever it is. Turns out this whole self-care thing is hard. If it doesn't ever get any easier I don't know what I'll do.
The year's travel consisted of Los Cabos, Outer Banks, Madison for Wiscon, Boston suburbs for Readercon, Montreal for Farthing Party (<3), and DC twice plus the occasional trip down to Bellingham or Seattle. Acceptable. I'd like there to be more but I'd always like there to be more.
(Perhaps 'travel' is an important life category because it's not something I did much of growing up: summer camps and Arkansan Xmases were about the extent of it. Going to faraway places makes me feel like my life's not as stagnant as it once was. I don't really know, though. I just know I get antsy if I don't pack up and go somewhere else every so often.)
I'm now hosting weekly role-playing and monthly boardgaming nights, so I'm getting my demi-social hobbies in and slowly, ever so slowly, building a social circle here. Erin, who grew up near what will someday be the outer reaches of the Skytrain, says that in her experience new people take 5-6 years to really settle into a group in Vancouver. That's both depressing and hopeful. I'd say "so, i'm about halfway" except that I'm a scared shy introvert and thus expect to take longer than the average.
I did find some individually awesome people this year, though. At Farthing Party I met a number of fantastically interesting folks, including Cera S-- (to whom I still owe email, about which more later). Closer to home, the polyamory group that started last year included Holly B--, who in turn introduced me to a couple dozen of her friends, many of whom enjoy playing Race For the Galaxy. The Belgians are gone, but Steph C-- has localized. Etc. Situation still not good per se, but improving.
I remain mostly stalled out on my own writing. To show for the year: the start of a sword-and-sorcery-type story that I'm interested in, and as of today nearly done expanding and revising City of Memory, and nothing else. I cannot write when I'm exhausted and stressed, and that has been my mental state for much of the last two years. Or maybe that's just an excuse and I'm too scared to finish something and find out I'm not as good as I desperately need to be. I don't know.
The financial situation hasn't changed appreciably since last year. Still treading water. (Though as it happens, we can keep doing this indefinitely through the simple expedient of eating our seed corn. Victory!) There is a very good chance that we'll move out of the Best Apartment Ever this summer, because The Rent Is Too Damn High and also Coal Harbour is a deserted postapocalyptic ghost town after about seven PM, which will improve the situation. There is also a chance that I'll take some unpaid time off from work. This will not help in the slightest with the financial pressure but may be necessary for my mental health. I don't hate my job... but I do dread it, because Reasons. Status quo: unsustainable in the long run, and unalterable in the short run. (this applies to more than just the financials, actually.)
Last year I said that everything in me is saying "go be brain-dead for awhile and maybe it'll be easier when you come back." This hasn't worked yet but that doesn't make it any less appealing on some level. I've finally accepted that while going off to hibernate and be brain-dead may occasionally be necessary, for the most part it isn't going to fix anything. Forcing my way through things doesn't work either. What does work, for certain limited values of "work," is recognising that I'm avoiding something, and talking to myself about why I'm avoiding it, and, with love and patience, convincing myself that it'll be okay to go ahead and deal with whatever it is. Turns out this whole self-care thing is hard. If it doesn't ever get any easier I don't know what I'll do.
all i see are the ruins of a plan gone wrong
all i need is a reason to keep on and stay strong
got a couple old ghosts that won't leave me alone
even after moving three thousand miles from home