fast away the old year passes

[jazzfish]

I paid off my student loans, bought a shiny new laptop, and still have substantially more money in savings than I had this time last year. Being a DINK is pretty much the best thing ever for financial stability. I suppose I ought to go talk to Bill the financial advisor and see what he has to say about things.

I visited Vancouver, and Madison, and Key West, and Seattle. Columbus and the Outer Banks, too, but those barely count as 'travel' anymore. (Madison only counts because it's the first year I've been to Wiscon.) I still love going new places; I'm a little sad that, with one big obvious exception, I'll be doing a lot less of it next year.

I wrote. I wrote less than I wanted to, and more than I expected to. I finished first drafts of one ficlet, one story, and one "novel." I'm still in a bit of shock that other people thought the ficlet was pretty good, too. Overall I'm reasonably happy with how the writing went.

As for everything else, Victoria and Liz have the right of it. In early July I hit rock bottom, hard, in response to two or three triggers I didn't know I had. This time, at least, I could ask for help, and could get it. So I'd been doing a credible job of pulling myself up by my fingernails and bootstraps when I got the rug yanked out from under me in mid-October. It's been a hard slog since then.

And yet. Last year I wrote that the nuances of close relationships between equals elude me, at least when they're any more complicated than "what can you do for me?". I still go to pieces at the thought of being forgotten. I still chafe at the threat of stagnation and freeze at the threat of change. That's... less true now than it was six months ago. The changes and forgettings I feared most have happened, and I know some of the things I can do to avoid stagnating. And what I don't understand about 'close relationships between equals' boils down to 'yes, but why do these people care about me?' I may never understand that, and it doesn't matter: they keep caring anyway, and I can just about accept that.

I'm terrified of where I'll be this time next year. I'm more terrified of not being there.

So let us rest and do our best
To forget the coming morning
Because the hard light of the truth of things
Is the only thing I fear.

Comments

Depression v. Learned optimism?

[selki.livejournal.com]

I found comment # 1 of http://geekfeminism.org/2010/12/27/re-post-self-confidence-tricks/ very interesting. It sums up research that shows pessimism v. optimism is associated with mental habits along 3 axes:
"personal – impersonal
general – specific
permanent – temporary

When failing at a certain task, typical pessimistic thoughts are:
I am too stupid (personal), I don’t know anything (general), I will never be good at this (permanent).
Optimism would look like this:
The question was ambiguous (impersonal), I don’t know enough about this topic (specific), I can try harder and do better next time (temporary)."

etc. And then the reverse, for pessimists who explain away successes as impersonal (wasn't me, just lucky), specific (just this one tiny thing I was good at), and temporary (aberration), v. optimists who look at successes as personal, general, permanent.

I don't think pessimism is the same as depression, but I do think there might be some overlap.

Re: Depression v. Learned optimism?

[jazzfish]

Hm. Interesting. There's definitely stuff in there that's useful for general self-esteem-building, regardless of whether it's helpful for 'depression' as such. Thank you!