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jazzfishNot journaling is a bad sign but usually I read it as a depressed bad sign, and I don't think that's what's going on right now. So I've mostly I guess ignored it. "Well, I'm not writing, but even accounting for my resistance to admitting I'm depressed I don't think I'm depressed, so it's probably okay?" There's something going on, though. The last ... week and a half, since Erin went back home, I've been feeling exceptionally unfocused.
Maybe before that as well, it's hard to tell from here. Before Erin came down in early May I felt like I was keeping together pretty well, though. I got my classwork done ahead of time so that I wouldn't have to worry about it while we were down at Sherry's. And then ... the chaos of the next week happened and it feels like that threw me just completely out of whack, and I haven't managed to re-center myself.
I am ... let's say 'not falling behind in a damaging way' in classes. That is: I'm doing fine on tests/quizzes. As for assignments: of the five, I'm keeping fully up to date in two. A third has moved into Group Work mode; the first of two assignments there is due later this week and it's complete, ready to be submitted once the other members of the group say "yep, looks good to go." The last two are Rob's two classes, in which I am behind but for which due dates are more like suggestions. I do exceptionally poorly with trying to -learn- from Rob's fragmented lectures. I got by in fall because I already knew half and could functionally teach myself the rest. The 'already knew' part is much smaller this time, so the teaching-myself is correspondingly larger. But at least the dates are flexible.
Apart from that. I went to a small larp on Saturday and had a great deal of fun. I'd like to get that written up in more detail but, again, difficulty Sitting Down And Doing It. Food last week was extremely catch-as-can, and I overcompensated by Cooking All The Things over the weekend and yesterday: cookies which went to larp and to Julianne who's gone back east (her mother is in hospital and may or not be coming back out again), freezer burgers, more bread, a pork tenderloin in the fridge to make into sammiches.
Money's been bad/scary, in both the short-term (running out of funds with no job relatively soon) and long-term (having done math it is unlikely that BC Gov, my desired/preferred employer, will pay me enough to live on). Doubtless some background stress around that kicking up, as well.
I have not missed feeding the cat, since he lets me know when food is supposed to be and conveniently it is also at my food-times, but I have missed the litterbox, more than once (not more than once in a row, thankfully). I put off going to get more cat litter for nearly a week, unrelated to not cleaning the litterbox. Objects are beginning to pile up on flat surfaces.
I seem to be not doing well and I don't know what to do about it.
Deep breath.
This is all sounding like at minimum a resurgence of ADHD problems. It's entirely possible that I need a meds adjustment. I am on not quite the lowest possible dose of Concerta, and I do notice a difference on big-pill days vs small-pill days.
Mm. Noted: This is not good. Will attempt to get a meds adjustment this week: calling tomorrow morning.
Maybe before that as well, it's hard to tell from here. Before Erin came down in early May I felt like I was keeping together pretty well, though. I got my classwork done ahead of time so that I wouldn't have to worry about it while we were down at Sherry's. And then ... the chaos of the next week happened and it feels like that threw me just completely out of whack, and I haven't managed to re-center myself.
I am ... let's say 'not falling behind in a damaging way' in classes. That is: I'm doing fine on tests/quizzes. As for assignments: of the five, I'm keeping fully up to date in two. A third has moved into Group Work mode; the first of two assignments there is due later this week and it's complete, ready to be submitted once the other members of the group say "yep, looks good to go." The last two are Rob's two classes, in which I am behind but for which due dates are more like suggestions. I do exceptionally poorly with trying to -learn- from Rob's fragmented lectures. I got by in fall because I already knew half and could functionally teach myself the rest. The 'already knew' part is much smaller this time, so the teaching-myself is correspondingly larger. But at least the dates are flexible.
Apart from that. I went to a small larp on Saturday and had a great deal of fun. I'd like to get that written up in more detail but, again, difficulty Sitting Down And Doing It. Food last week was extremely catch-as-can, and I overcompensated by Cooking All The Things over the weekend and yesterday: cookies which went to larp and to Julianne who's gone back east (her mother is in hospital and may or not be coming back out again), freezer burgers, more bread, a pork tenderloin in the fridge to make into sammiches.
Money's been bad/scary, in both the short-term (running out of funds with no job relatively soon) and long-term (having done math it is unlikely that BC Gov, my desired/preferred employer, will pay me enough to live on). Doubtless some background stress around that kicking up, as well.
I have not missed feeding the cat, since he lets me know when food is supposed to be and conveniently it is also at my food-times, but I have missed the litterbox, more than once (not more than once in a row, thankfully). I put off going to get more cat litter for nearly a week, unrelated to not cleaning the litterbox. Objects are beginning to pile up on flat surfaces.
I seem to be not doing well and I don't know what to do about it.
Deep breath.
This is all sounding like at minimum a resurgence of ADHD problems. It's entirely possible that I need a meds adjustment. I am on not quite the lowest possible dose of Concerta, and I do notice a difference on big-pill days vs small-pill days.
Mm. Noted: This is not good. Will attempt to get a meds adjustment this week: calling tomorrow morning.