where i'm at, i guess
Oct. 15th, 2023 09:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfishToday I read more than half of Fire Logic (finished it), and fed myself, and that was about it. I took a nap. I fired up the Unix terminal and did a tiny bit of homework / Unix practice, but quit once I'd loaded the Bootstrap tutorial.
I guess maybe I needed a day off.
I've done little other than school and try-to-make-myself-do-school for the last two weeks. When I got my first report card of junior year, the one where I was actually failing one class and not doing well in several others, I remember sitting in Analog Electronics next to Ron Taylor and deciding I was just going to focus on schoolwork, stop doing anything fun, because I absolutely needed to get my grades back up. It didn't take, then: I had way too many opportunities for distraction and way too many other commitments and way too many other people, who fell into both the above categories. I seem to be doing that now, though.
I don't really like it. I feel dull, I feel my mind slowing down and shutting down. Very little is of interest. I read but it takes effort to do so. I don't think I have the attention span to watch an entire 45-minute tv episode. Judging by other people's responses I seem to be losing my ability to make the stories I tell entertaining, or even coherent. This feels necessary to get through school, which is why I can do it, and I still do not like it
I also do not like my inability to retain focus, my tendency to get rattled by something even vaguely difficult or tricky coming up, something that might be as simple as "this problem's done, move on to the next one." I'm maintaining focus here, for writing this? Though even here I'm fighting the urge to alt-tab into a browser or pick up the iPad and play Honeycomb or Race For The Galaxy, my go-tos for Little Brain. (I have played neither of those today, and I'm a little proud of that.)
I want my resilience back, I seem to have lost it sometime between "started work at Simba" and now. I know I didn't have it at the end at MSTR. I think I had it again when I was still with Emily? I think I had it before moving north, before the plague? I don't know. I'd definitely lost it by last April, after moving and covid and stupid BMC job, and I hung on by my fingernails as long as I could until they cut me loose.
And I thought I'd regained it over the summer, when I very obviously hadn't, not being able to do music and write and bike all in a day should have been a Sign. To say nothing of the struggle to finish up Blood On Her Hands.
I'm scared that it's gone for good. I'm scared that everyone, any doctor, will tell me the same things I've been hearing and telling myself since at least junior year if not third grade: just do it, it's not that hard, you're being lazy.
"Lazy" is of course one of the main weapons deployed against ADHD folks. So maybe it'll be all right? Maybe there's help for me? I can hope.
I guess maybe I needed a day off.
I've done little other than school and try-to-make-myself-do-school for the last two weeks. When I got my first report card of junior year, the one where I was actually failing one class and not doing well in several others, I remember sitting in Analog Electronics next to Ron Taylor and deciding I was just going to focus on schoolwork, stop doing anything fun, because I absolutely needed to get my grades back up. It didn't take, then: I had way too many opportunities for distraction and way too many other commitments and way too many other people, who fell into both the above categories. I seem to be doing that now, though.
I don't really like it. I feel dull, I feel my mind slowing down and shutting down. Very little is of interest. I read but it takes effort to do so. I don't think I have the attention span to watch an entire 45-minute tv episode. Judging by other people's responses I seem to be losing my ability to make the stories I tell entertaining, or even coherent. This feels necessary to get through school, which is why I can do it, and I still do not like it
I also do not like my inability to retain focus, my tendency to get rattled by something even vaguely difficult or tricky coming up, something that might be as simple as "this problem's done, move on to the next one." I'm maintaining focus here, for writing this? Though even here I'm fighting the urge to alt-tab into a browser or pick up the iPad and play Honeycomb or Race For The Galaxy, my go-tos for Little Brain. (I have played neither of those today, and I'm a little proud of that.)
I want my resilience back, I seem to have lost it sometime between "started work at Simba" and now. I know I didn't have it at the end at MSTR. I think I had it again when I was still with Emily? I think I had it before moving north, before the plague? I don't know. I'd definitely lost it by last April, after moving and covid and stupid BMC job, and I hung on by my fingernails as long as I could until they cut me loose.
And I thought I'd regained it over the summer, when I very obviously hadn't, not being able to do music and write and bike all in a day should have been a Sign. To say nothing of the struggle to finish up Blood On Her Hands.
I'm scared that it's gone for good. I'm scared that everyone, any doctor, will tell me the same things I've been hearing and telling myself since at least junior year if not third grade: just do it, it's not that hard, you're being lazy.
"Lazy" is of course one of the main weapons deployed against ADHD folks. So maybe it'll be all right? Maybe there's help for me? I can hope.