only way out is thru
Jan. 13th, 2023 02:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfishTwenty-twenty-two. "A dim year," is how I described it elsewhere. Not really a dark year, as such. Just not one as bright as I'd hoped.
I write about 'travel' first because it's easier to talk about things further from home, I think. So. Where did I go, this year? Niagara as usual, the Outer Banks as no-longer-usual. I drove down to Bellingham once for a day trip, I guess that counts. Back north to see Erin in Fort, a couple of times. And the big one, moving back to New Westminster. Not a whole lot of travel by pre-plague standards, but not the just-over-zero of 2020. I'm inclined to think that the advent of perma-plague means that "not a whole lot of travel" is going to be the standard from now on. I guess we'll see.
For reasons that are not entirely clear to me despite maintaining a comprehensive spreadsheet of my expenses, my money situation is also Not As I Would Like It. It's better than I'd thought it was; this last quarter I did manage to save a reasonable amount, and so I'm in the process of rebuilding my emergency fund. But based on what I'm making and what (I think) I'm spending, it should be rebuilding faster than that. Especially if, as seems all too possible, I end up jobhunting and/or moving next year and needing to dip into said emergency fund.
(Am I moving next year? I don't know. Corvaric, as feared/expected, is definitely not a permanent place. Jury's out on whether the lower mainland in general is. This last few months have not been good for me, for sure. And I don't have any plans for where I'd go if I did leave. So: still gathering information.)
As far as my physical self goes... I didn't wind up any worse off? I caught covid back in April, probably on the way back from the Gathering, and I'm still annoyed at myself for that. I honestly can't tell if it's had an ongoing debilitating effect on my lungs or if that's just a result of trying to turn around three years of decreasing activity level. I'm going out biking at least a couple of times a week, I'm occasionally doing yoga, I'm sometimes walking to and from the skytrain which involves a pretty serious hill. It may or not be enough. I wish there were places I wanted to bike -to-, or take transit to on a regular basis, but that leads into...
Social, which is at least different now. Last year I primarily interacted with Erin, and with a few Vancouver folks at wide intervals. This year I obviously see Erin much less. Instead I'm interacting more with Rainbow House (Holly, Zee, James) and having dinner once or twice a month with oldest-and-closest-Vancouver-friend Julianne and ex-roommate Mya. It sufficeth. I'd like to have a larger pool of gamers since my tastes and those of Rainbow House don't overlap as much as I'd like; I'd like to have a few more folks around just to talk to and go do things with. But between the plague and my general mental state I've not been able to find them.
So what am I doing with my time? I'm running a role-playing game running once a week, more or less. I'm catching a very occasional movie, usually at the Cinematheque, usually on my own. I'm biking some, and doing yoga less often than that. I'm struggling to keep afloat at work. I have bursts of activity punctuating periods of rest that aren't as restful as I'd like. I read, I watch things at home, I play the occasional video game. I try to adjust to Mr Tuppert and to adjust him to me. I am tired.
My relationship with Erin scaled way back, for reasons of distance and Other. I still don't know where that's going to shake out. Things with Sarah are in something of a limbo state and likely will be for some time, for reasons that don't bear exploring at this juncture. And djinn, with whom I'd been involved since the very weird summer of 2018, broke up with me at the end of October, in the midst of ghosting me while insisting she was still interested in talking. That was ... not wholly unexpected, but still a bit rough.
To the left, the main reason this has been sitting unfinished in Textedit for well over a week is that I don't know how to talk about Steph. (My-long-ago-ex-Steph, not writer-Steph.) I still don't, and letting it rattle at the back of my brain has not helped shake any words loose. We've reconnected, after a quarter century of sporadic contact; we still care deeply for each other; we're working out what that looks like, between her kid, our mental health struggles, and two thousand miles of distance. It's been good. And it's nice to have the NRE energy burst, and to be aware enough of it that I can try to put it towards more sustainable solutions.
Try being operative. Last year I noted that when I'm deeply entwined with someone else it becomes difficult to impossible to live in the rhythm of my own life. I don't know if that rhythm has just been fundamentally broken or what. I don't understand this year, or what my brain is doing and why it's so resistant to things I know will help. I can't do this on my own and I don't know how to ask for help.
Which means that this year is finding another counselor and very likely trying out antidepressants for the first time in a quarter century. I am not looking forward to either of those but maybe they'll help. I am at least a somewhat better observer of my own mental and physical state than I was last time.
Last year ended in a not-great place but with a bit of an uplift. I would really like to carry that through and to finish 2023 in a better place than I'm starting it.
I write about 'travel' first because it's easier to talk about things further from home, I think. So. Where did I go, this year? Niagara as usual, the Outer Banks as no-longer-usual. I drove down to Bellingham once for a day trip, I guess that counts. Back north to see Erin in Fort, a couple of times. And the big one, moving back to New Westminster. Not a whole lot of travel by pre-plague standards, but not the just-over-zero of 2020. I'm inclined to think that the advent of perma-plague means that "not a whole lot of travel" is going to be the standard from now on. I guess we'll see.
For reasons that are not entirely clear to me despite maintaining a comprehensive spreadsheet of my expenses, my money situation is also Not As I Would Like It. It's better than I'd thought it was; this last quarter I did manage to save a reasonable amount, and so I'm in the process of rebuilding my emergency fund. But based on what I'm making and what (I think) I'm spending, it should be rebuilding faster than that. Especially if, as seems all too possible, I end up jobhunting and/or moving next year and needing to dip into said emergency fund.
(Am I moving next year? I don't know. Corvaric, as feared/expected, is definitely not a permanent place. Jury's out on whether the lower mainland in general is. This last few months have not been good for me, for sure. And I don't have any plans for where I'd go if I did leave. So: still gathering information.)
As far as my physical self goes... I didn't wind up any worse off? I caught covid back in April, probably on the way back from the Gathering, and I'm still annoyed at myself for that. I honestly can't tell if it's had an ongoing debilitating effect on my lungs or if that's just a result of trying to turn around three years of decreasing activity level. I'm going out biking at least a couple of times a week, I'm occasionally doing yoga, I'm sometimes walking to and from the skytrain which involves a pretty serious hill. It may or not be enough. I wish there were places I wanted to bike -to-, or take transit to on a regular basis, but that leads into...
Social, which is at least different now. Last year I primarily interacted with Erin, and with a few Vancouver folks at wide intervals. This year I obviously see Erin much less. Instead I'm interacting more with Rainbow House (Holly, Zee, James) and having dinner once or twice a month with oldest-and-closest-Vancouver-friend Julianne and ex-roommate Mya. It sufficeth. I'd like to have a larger pool of gamers since my tastes and those of Rainbow House don't overlap as much as I'd like; I'd like to have a few more folks around just to talk to and go do things with. But between the plague and my general mental state I've not been able to find them.
So what am I doing with my time? I'm running a role-playing game running once a week, more or less. I'm catching a very occasional movie, usually at the Cinematheque, usually on my own. I'm biking some, and doing yoga less often than that. I'm struggling to keep afloat at work. I have bursts of activity punctuating periods of rest that aren't as restful as I'd like. I read, I watch things at home, I play the occasional video game. I try to adjust to Mr Tuppert and to adjust him to me. I am tired.
My relationship with Erin scaled way back, for reasons of distance and Other. I still don't know where that's going to shake out. Things with Sarah are in something of a limbo state and likely will be for some time, for reasons that don't bear exploring at this juncture. And djinn, with whom I'd been involved since the very weird summer of 2018, broke up with me at the end of October, in the midst of ghosting me while insisting she was still interested in talking. That was ... not wholly unexpected, but still a bit rough.
To the left, the main reason this has been sitting unfinished in Textedit for well over a week is that I don't know how to talk about Steph. (My-long-ago-ex-Steph, not writer-Steph.) I still don't, and letting it rattle at the back of my brain has not helped shake any words loose. We've reconnected, after a quarter century of sporadic contact; we still care deeply for each other; we're working out what that looks like, between her kid, our mental health struggles, and two thousand miles of distance. It's been good. And it's nice to have the NRE energy burst, and to be aware enough of it that I can try to put it towards more sustainable solutions.
Try being operative. Last year I noted that when I'm deeply entwined with someone else it becomes difficult to impossible to live in the rhythm of my own life. I don't know if that rhythm has just been fundamentally broken or what. I don't understand this year, or what my brain is doing and why it's so resistant to things I know will help. I can't do this on my own and I don't know how to ask for help.
Which means that this year is finding another counselor and very likely trying out antidepressants for the first time in a quarter century. I am not looking forward to either of those but maybe they'll help. I am at least a somewhat better observer of my own mental and physical state than I was last time.
Last year ended in a not-great place but with a bit of an uplift. I would really like to carry that through and to finish 2023 in a better place than I'm starting it.
The daylight comes, or is it a new beginning?
Or just the beginning of another bullshit day?
Call out for insight and cry for understanding...
no subject
Date: 2023-01-14 12:42 pm (UTC)Best wishes for continued improvement across the year.
no subject
Date: 2023-01-14 06:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-16 02:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2023-01-17 01:24 am (UTC)