alright, well, i guess i'm doin this
Feb. 3rd, 2022 01:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfishTuesday I told my boss I was leaving. Today I told the rest of the team. Next week I guess I start trickling info out to the various other folks I work with.
Change ... I don't even think change sucks, per se. It's just terrifying and it takes awhile to adapt into. Which is not helped by my brain going "why is this taking so long to adapt to, you already know what you need to be doing, just bloody do it already." Pretty sure this is the same voice that insists I should be able to logic my way out of feelings. I am not real good with Knowing The Path Is Not Walking The Path or with The Only Way Out Is Through when they need to be applied to my brain/body/being.
The really interesting part is that when I was telling my boss, it felt like I had no choice, like this is just the thing that's happening and I had no control over it. Weird disconnect / dissociation. Partly due I think to a general sense that I have no control over my life / the future; partly to terror at doing a Difficult Thing (telling someone something they don't want to hear, plus formally Definitely Quitting, taking a step that's not irrevocable but is very clearly in that direction). Like, the way through the terror was to just shut down all feeling entirely, including the terror. Brains are weird.
New job start is currently scheduled for the 22nd, though it may get pushed to the 28th because they like to start people on Mondays. (The 21st is a BC holiday; they originally had me scheduled to start then.)
I am excited and also scared, and pretty certain that this is the right move. I'll miss the two tech writers that I grew from seeds over the last couple of years, I'll miss the general sense of comfort that comes from knowing what's expected of me and how far I can push that. But I won't miss being bored out of my gourd with the actual work I'm doing and I won't miss the internal politics of being in a pseudo-management role.
Change ... I don't even think change sucks, per se. It's just terrifying and it takes awhile to adapt into. Which is not helped by my brain going "why is this taking so long to adapt to, you already know what you need to be doing, just bloody do it already." Pretty sure this is the same voice that insists I should be able to logic my way out of feelings. I am not real good with Knowing The Path Is Not Walking The Path or with The Only Way Out Is Through when they need to be applied to my brain/body/being.
The really interesting part is that when I was telling my boss, it felt like I had no choice, like this is just the thing that's happening and I had no control over it. Weird disconnect / dissociation. Partly due I think to a general sense that I have no control over my life / the future; partly to terror at doing a Difficult Thing (telling someone something they don't want to hear, plus formally Definitely Quitting, taking a step that's not irrevocable but is very clearly in that direction). Like, the way through the terror was to just shut down all feeling entirely, including the terror. Brains are weird.
New job start is currently scheduled for the 22nd, though it may get pushed to the 28th because they like to start people on Mondays. (The 21st is a BC holiday; they originally had me scheduled to start then.)
I am excited and also scared, and pretty certain that this is the right move. I'll miss the two tech writers that I grew from seeds over the last couple of years, I'll miss the general sense of comfort that comes from knowing what's expected of me and how far I can push that. But I won't miss being bored out of my gourd with the actual work I'm doing and I won't miss the internal politics of being in a pseudo-management role.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-03 10:23 pm (UTC)Best wishes to you.
no subject
Date: 2022-02-03 10:28 pm (UTC)And, thanks!