i have lost many things, so many i won't turn back

[jazzfish]

The core, perhaps, is that I used to arrange my life in such a way that I knew what was coming: not just "tuesday is dinner-and-rpg, wednesday is counseling, one saturday a month is a big boardgaming day" but ... the feel of it. There was a rhythm to my life that I knew and understood and felt, bone-deep and everywhere. And within that rhythm I had plenty of time and space to break out of it: there's an interesting thing to go do this weekend, or this evening I want to write about a particular book, or I should get xmas presents for folks near and far.

For whatever reason, when I am entwined with Erin (probably "with anyone") I lose that rhythm. I enjoy, sometimes more sometimes less, the time I spend with her; that's not the issue. It's that it becomes difficult to impossible to live in the rhythm of my own life. I've been trying to push through, to find the rhythm again around and within that, for three or five years now, with scant success.

Case in point: I have no year-end roundup for 2019 or 2020, to refer back to and see how things compared. Some of that's cowardice and depression, knowing I was doing poorly and not being willing to face up to it. Some of it's the plague year and the malaise it brings. And some of it's that reflection takes time and energy, and finding those when my rhythm is disrupted is hard, sometimes impossible.

---

So. 2021. The Plague Year Part 2.

I did travel last year, unexpectedly enough: I squeezed in an August run to Niagara and the Gathering before (or more accurately, in the midst of the rise of) the Delta variant. And I went down to Vancouver several times, mostly for gaming with Holly, Zee, and James. I'd like for more travel this year: I'm signed up for both the Gathering in early April and Beach Week with my DC ex-gaming-group in late May. We shall see whether the plague cooperates with these plans. To the left, I have no particular desire to play tourist. There are places I'd like to visit, for various reasons: Wales, Rome, Santorini... but I'm more interested in exploring where I land, rather than going somewhere specifically to explore. Like, oh, Farthing Party was a good excuse to wander around Montreal. That sort of thing.

My financial situation is dire enough that I will most likely be taking out a short-term loan from a friend to cover moving expenses. On the bright side, I didn't have to dip into my RSP to fund the condo purchase. I have no idea what my finances will look like in a year. At least the potential trips to the US are paid for: there's money waiting in a USD-denominated account to cover everything except airfare.

There's a sense in which I tried to fill up the void of the rhythm of my life with Things: fancy books, boardgames and RPGs I won't play, that sort of thing. One hopes that there'll be less need for that this year. But that will also take some return to specific discipline, telling myself "no." Which it's about time for anyway. An advantage of having a tiny condo, perhaps.

The other thing about money is that I did drop down to 80% time and pay back in April. The pay cut didn't matter as long as I was living here and not going much of anywhere, but, well. I'm expecting to ramp up my job search in the coming months, and I expect that a new job will be at full-time and for more money than I'm making now, so it'll be a more than 20% pay bump. Which will help. I don't know whether going back to full-time will be a mistake or not but there's really only one way to find out. (Run a blind A/B test cycle.)

My physical condition has consistently deteriorated over the last three years. Exercise for the sake of exercise seems to be nigh-impossible for me; yoga worked because it was a Thing that I went to do and someone else told me what to do there. Again, hopefully this will change when things become within walking distance and there is not a large hill (and a poorly-sidewalked highway) between me and groceries-on-foot. I suspect, though I do not know, that my body will still adapt relatively quickly to being moved and used again, and that my lungs will re-develop basic functionality. With any luck at all this will also aid in sleeping and maybe even in my basic self-image.

My social network has likewise deteriorated, which, again, no surprise. I played in an online RPG run by Joe in DC, which mostly served to reinforce that multi-person videochats are really not a good social milieu for me. I spent a lot of time with Erin, which was quite good except for the rhythm-breaking per above. I saw Sarah once for a few days in August, and djinn not at all. I've still got a handful of Vancouver connections for when I'm in person, and a handful of people to talk to online when I'm feeling up to that. Turns out the isolation is rougher on me than I would have thought. Oh well. One learns.

So what have I done, with my plague years, my northern years? I survived, mostly. I started learning to play the bass guitar, and then put that on hold while I'm playing viola for Sound of Music with the high school down the road. I read a bunch. I bought a condo. I became a little more bold about publicly adopting labels like 'autistic' or 'nonbinary.' I learned some things about who I'm not, and maybe about who I am.

I didn't learn how to talk to people, or how to want things in such a way that I can express it, even to myself, without putting fire to what's around me. I didn't learn how to negotiate or compromise or even fight. Three (!) years ago I thought that At this rate I might be a functioning human being in another decade or two. Ha, well. I suppose there's still time for that.

i'll walk home with snow falling
deep on frozen lawns
and i'll leave
all those others celebrating
all the things that they have done

Comments

[jazzfish]

It's not even necessarily about "liking" it, I like yoga. It's ... "i could exercise. or i could read my book / poke at the internet / cook a thing." There's always better (easier?) things to do.