secret project scissors
Jan. 29th, 2021 06:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfishTen years ago today I got married, in a ceremony I still recall fondly. (I announced this on Facebook with "Brb gettin hitched" as we were leaving for the venue, a couple of hours before the ceremony. Jmax, a friend and invitee who lives in Annapolis an hour or so away, saw that, said "oh crap that's today," and managed to make it to the wedding.)
I have no cake to eat this year, but that's my own fault. I seriously considered making myself one earlier this week; just didn't get around to it. One more Tradition that's fallen by the wayside over the last few years.
Winter is once more the time when awful things happen, is I guess what I'm saying. I spent roughly fifteen years (1995-2010) noting that Bad Things tended to either happen or start happening in February, but after my uncle Jim shot himself (and my then-partner offered basically zero sympathy/understanding), it felt like that was kind of the end of that, like it had gotten about as bad as it reasonably could get. And indeed, Februarys for the next several years were grey but functional. Not so much worse than any other time. Better, even, the couple of years we said "this is stupid" and booked a week-long trip to Mexico for sunlight.
Oh well.
I miss Emily.
I miss the friendship we had, more than anything. I didn't want to remain romantically involved with her; I didn't want to live with her. But I always wanted to stay friends, to be a part of her life and vice versa. Three and a half years later, it still hurts more than anything I can think of that she explicitly doesn't want that, in any form.
... I am also, finally, starting to get angry at her, because while I was Not A Great Partner for the first six months of 2017, she has been bloody awful to me since then.
Time and past time for some therapeutic private journaling, I think.
The engagement was "secret project rock" and the wedding was "secret project paper", so.
I have no cake to eat this year, but that's my own fault. I seriously considered making myself one earlier this week; just didn't get around to it. One more Tradition that's fallen by the wayside over the last few years.
SUSAN ANN SULLEY: I think that song just holds a lot of memories for a lot of people, "I remember on Christmas Eve 1981 I kissed me girlfriend for the first time to the tunes of Don't You Want Me," and people have got that sort of thing about it, which is nice.Coincidentally, two years plus a few days ago was the last time I saw Emily. Two years less a month ago, ish, marks the last time she communicated with me in a nonhostile fashion. Eleven months ago (to the day, huzzah for leap year) the divorce went through.
PHILIP OAKEY: They're all divorced now.
SUSAN: *laugh* Yes, but it still holds dear memories for them.
PHILIP: Holds expensive memories for the men.
--from "Audio Liner Notes", The Human League: Greatest Hits
Winter is once more the time when awful things happen, is I guess what I'm saying. I spent roughly fifteen years (1995-2010) noting that Bad Things tended to either happen or start happening in February, but after my uncle Jim shot himself (and my then-partner offered basically zero sympathy/understanding), it felt like that was kind of the end of that, like it had gotten about as bad as it reasonably could get. And indeed, Februarys for the next several years were grey but functional. Not so much worse than any other time. Better, even, the couple of years we said "this is stupid" and booked a week-long trip to Mexico for sunlight.
Oh well.
I miss Emily.
I miss the friendship we had, more than anything. I didn't want to remain romantically involved with her; I didn't want to live with her. But I always wanted to stay friends, to be a part of her life and vice versa. Three and a half years later, it still hurts more than anything I can think of that she explicitly doesn't want that, in any form.
... I am also, finally, starting to get angry at her, because while I was Not A Great Partner for the first six months of 2017, she has been bloody awful to me since then.
Time and past time for some therapeutic private journaling, I think.
The engagement was "secret project rock" and the wedding was "secret project paper", so.
no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 12:37 pm (UTC)February and March were historically the time things went wrong in my family when I was younger. But as an adult, catastrophic events don't seem to have a season.
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Date: 2021-01-30 07:39 pm (UTC)I preferred it when they didn't have a season. I /like/ winter as a rule.
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Date: 2021-01-31 03:37 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 04:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-01-30 08:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-02-01 06:14 am (UTC)