not quite all the small things, but some of them

[jazzfish]

Currently reading Freedom and Necessity, and enjoying it, as expected. One thing I hadn't expected: the print feels tiny. Unsure if this is just a natural result of Getting Old or if it's actually small. There doesn't appear to have been an ebook release, which makes me a little sad.

Gonna be a busy fall, bookwise. Just preordered new books from Kat Howard, Ann Leckie, eBear, and Steve Brust. Need to get on with that Great Big Dragarea Reread prior to late October. At least the eBear won't demand my immediate attention: reading Book One Of A Trilogy is a mistake I try to avoid making when the author is known to write bound book-fragments.

I biked for an hour and a half yesterday, going to a small get-together that may be the kind of thing I'm looking for. Mostly, a good ride, if overly sweaty, and tough going uphill. There's an exhilaration in a steep downhill, though, and a long gentle decline makes for a pleasant coast.

It occurred to me last week that my hip problem likely isn't just from wallet-induced sciatica. It's also possibly a result of babying my right ankle (and hence leg) for several months after I twisted it pretty sharply (CW: depiction of trauma, neither graphic nor permanent). So there's that.

Erin pointed out awhile ago that I do a lot of railing against the Confederacy (sometimes on FB, sometimes in person). I grew up hating everything about the South: the weather, the people, the history, the culture. I've mellowed on that a lot in the last decade or so, but Treason In Defence Of Slavery still gets me wound up. I think it's that it's a reminder of everything I hated about the South. Or maybe just that it's a part of my upbringing that's still acceptable to hate.

And in actual significant news, I've lost a friend over the breakup. One that I know of, I mean. I'd hoped for some compassion and understanding but it was not to be. I'm sad, and a little surprised, but only a little: she's prickly, far more invested in Emily's emotional state, and I suspect skeptical of the whole poly thing anyhow. (A conclusion I draw from sentences like "Since November I've watched you break up with Emily in slow motion.") Losing friends I care about doesn't get any easier. Especially not when they've been good friends and sources of support in the past. Oh well. She's not quite burned the bridge, I guess. She's poured gasoline on the bridge, offered me a book of matches, and walked away. Best I can do is not actually light the fire and be here if and when she changes her mind.

Overall? Still flailing around, still trying to sort out what I want my life to look like and how to make it look like that.

Comments

[thanate]

Phoey on losing friends. Good luck with the flailing.

[jazzfish]

Thanks, on both counts.

(And thank you for the lovely packet, as well, some weeks ago now. It's helped.)

[thanate]

Good! :)

[snippy]

Oh heck, I hate when they blame poly for individual issues--it's been happening to me for the last few years. We went to couples counseling and of course my other relationship was closely questioned and blamed--even though my husband said over and over that wasn't the reason. And now we're divorce and I only have one relationship with my LDR (who has other partners) but I'm still poly. You have my sympathy.

[jazzfish]

SERIOUSLY.

I don't know that she'd cop to blaming poly for it; she'd just accuse me of doing it poorly. (Which ... is not unfounded, but there was plenty of other stuff as well.) But then, she also started out the email with "you haven't hurt me" and proceeded to lay into me WHOLLY ON MY EX'S BEHALF, THERE WAS NOTHING PERSONAL THERE AT ALL, so I'm not real convinced by her self-assessments in any event.

[wild_irises]

Losing friends sucks. But when your flailing is diminished, I feel confident that you will find some awesome new friends.

[jazzfish]

Thanks, and, I hope so. That's honestly been the main problem with Vancouver this past six years: difficulty in a) finding social circles I'm at all happy with, and then b) pushing past surface-friendly to something more connected.

[(Anonymous)]

One of my longest consistent acquaintances lives in Vancouver. She's an occasional gamer and American ex-pat (though her other interest crossover points are probably weaker). I've thought about introducing y'all to each other for years, and almost certainly mentioned you to her when you first moved across the border.

I know you're only a few months out, but I hope you're finding whatever holes were created are being filled, or at least closing up on their own.

-Nathan

[shanaqui]

It's easy to get really mad at someone for not supporting oneself in a breakup, and to actually light that fire, so kudos for you on even trying to see it clearly and avoid that.

[jazzfish]

Thanks. :) I'm not entirely proud of how I comported myself over the course of 2017, so the impulse is more to hurl myself bodily onto the bridge. Which is likely to result in more go-rounds of gasoline-pouring and eventually me lighting things on fire, and catching myself in the process. How's that for an overly extended metaphor? Anyway, thank you.