things and things

[jazzfish]

I'm not writing much here these days. This... is probably not a good sign.

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Weekend before last my parents were in town. We had quite a good visit: hit the Maritime Museum and Granville Island, wandered arond Queen Elizabeth Park (a large hill in the middle of the city that used to be a quarry, so it's got some very neat planned-gardens and waterfalls and such, and also a domed conservatory with lots of birds), and ate much tasty food. Dad and I got our "portraits" done in magic marker on cardboard, by an itinerant artiste while we were loitering in Gastown.

They left very early on Tuesday morning, and I was thinking "it would have been nice if they'd stayed another day or so." I think this means that the visit was exactly as long as it should have been.

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My viola finally arrived yesterday. Stupid Long & McQuade. It is in fact black and not green, as I'd requested, and the electric pickup seems to work, and in general it looks quite nice. And maybe sounds as well, at least when someone who knows what they're doing is playing it.

That is clearly not me. I feel like between the Gathering and my parents' visit I have lost most of whatever skill I'd developed and have been fumbling worse than usual trying to get it back.

It'll come. I keep telling myself that. I think I'm now past the point where any jumpstart I had from cello is doing me any good, and am having to learn the hard way like anyone else. Frustrating. Practice, practice, practice.

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That may be part of my problem, honestly. I'm not really doing much of anything that I'm *good* at. Rather, the things I'm good at are either not things that I want to be doing (tech writing) or of very little use (boardgames). I'm a beginning violist with all that that implies, and a fiction writer with limited experience. And doing those things is how one gets better at them, but it's really annoying to spend my days feeling like I'm terrible at everything I try.

Which may be part of why I've been hiding. I don't know.

Comments

[okrablossom]

I'm positive there are more things you are good at and I encourage you to do them, without worrying about their use. This is hard for me too but doing fun things really is fun! :) When I don't feel like practicing, I often play the one or two pieces that I know sound ok when I play them, even if they are baby pieces, and that makes me feel good, although YMMV.

[jazzfish]

I'm positive there are more things you are good at and I encourage you to do them, without worrying about their use.

There *must* be! But I'm having a devil of a time coming up with them right now. Too fixated on wanting to do something... useful and unique, to find the cool thing that only I can do.

The problem with viola is that I don't really have anything that I think sounds good. I don't have the basic skills yet. When I get super-frustrated and discouraged I pick up the cello and do exactly that, play a few pieces that I like and that sound decent, to remind myself that this is a thing that I can do.

And, thank you. :)

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

That's a tough place to be in. Feeling competent is such a big deal in one's self-identity, isn't it?

I mean, intellectually you know that you're in the process of increasing competence, but emotions don't know that.

[jazzfish]

It's apparently a *huge* part of my self-identity. Which I hadn't thought was the case, but it makes total sense. Patterns from ages ago: if I'm not Doing The Thing Perfectly, or at least Reasonably Well, it reflects poorly on my worth as a human being, and all that. Bleh. Stupid brain, work better.

I'm not too sure how to get past it, either, other than by recognising that it's a thing that exists. Will see if that helps any.

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

It's a totally human thing, though. As far as I can tell, happiness comes partly from doing useful things well, and having other people acknowledge you for them.

If you don't feel that you're doing things well, or the things you do aren't helpful or enjoyable to people, or that you're ignored for doing them, that kicks out a big ol' chunk of what it takes to be happy.

[queenoftheskies.livejournal.com]

You're a very good fiction writer. Writing is just something that whacks us over the head with insecurities.

::HUGS::

[jazzfish]

*halfsmile* thanks, but... yeah. Not really, not right now. I don't have the craft. I don't have the tools. And yeah, I know it's always all about constantly getting better and never feeling like you're good enough to write the thing you're writing, but... right now I have to think consciously about every... thing, every part of what I'm writing. There's no flow to it. I can't find that state where I Just Write, where the words come and I don't have to second-guess everything.

[sartorias.livejournal.com]

I know that feeling!

Wishing you energy . . .

[jazzfish]

:) thank you. Here's hoping.