making cookies and thinking too much
Apr. 7th, 2025 05:26 pmCripes, it's been a month. I knew I'd been doing poorly but hadn't realised it was quite that poorly.
I've been telling myself I've just been head-down on my practicum, which is true but not ... not an answer, not a reason, not complete. I've been head-down on my practicum, working full-time while also taking an advanced-level class (Databases 2, aka "big databases and how they store geographic data"), and that's a decent amount of work output. The practicum has taken particular effort to Keep Going, for reasons I'm not wholly clear on but which therapy has given me at least some insights into.
But everything has just been Difficult and I would rather sit on the couch and Not Think about any of it. I need to start looking for a job, which means I need to figure out where I'm looking for a job, since the BC Public Service is not even considering hiring anyone at all until probably July at the earliest. Add to that all the nonsensical horror / horrific nonsense from Down South and, well. Much easier to hide in front of the television.
So, this is the last week of my practicum. I'm making cookies to bring in to the office tomorrow, partly because I haven't done any baking for work at all and partly because making cookies is making a thing and that at least feels like ... progress, or accomplishment.
I'm pleased with what I've gotten done for the practicum. I spent the last three months creating new fire-centre maps of the Provincial radio repeaters, so that folks going out into the field will be better able to tell which repeater they're supposed to be talking to. It's not nearly as much as I'd wanted to do, or expected to do; institutional barriers and my own inexperience both worked against me there. But it's a start, and what I've got will be helpful.
It's also been feeling pointless, and it took me til today in counseling to work out why: not pointless in the sense of "the work is pointless busywork that no one will use," the way too much of my work for the last twenty years has been, but rather in the sense of "i will likely never see these people again." I'd wanted my practicum to be a first step towards BC government employment, and that's not happening, or if it is it's not for quite some time. So: marking time, staying apart, not getting involved, same military-brat playbook I've always run when it's spring and we're moving this summer.
I am proud of the PDF maps, though. Eventually they'll be up on the Provincial radio system website, and I'll put up a link then.
The Databases course is done (88%, coincidentally the same grade I got in DB1 under Stupid Rob). The only coursework I have left is Management Issues In GIS, aka "how to deploy an enterprise GIS system," and a final recorded-presentation and written-report on the practicum.
And then I'm done with schoolwork, again. I don't know what happens after that, other than "I look for a job in what seems likely to be an abysmal economy." I'm pretty deeply worried about that part but on the other hand there is literally nothing more I can do about it, so, shrug-emoji.
I'm going back to Niagara in a little over a week. I'm also nervous about that: making a land crossing in upstate New York with an X-gender passport does not thrill me with anticipation. I guess I can continue to be a useful coal-mine-canary: if I, a pale-skinned US citizen, get any trouble, that ought to indicate something.
I'm letting several folks, on both sides of the border, know when I'm crossing, and will ping them again once I'm through. I wish I thought I were being paranoid.
I love you. Stay safe and take care of each other.
I've been telling myself I've just been head-down on my practicum, which is true but not ... not an answer, not a reason, not complete. I've been head-down on my practicum, working full-time while also taking an advanced-level class (Databases 2, aka "big databases and how they store geographic data"), and that's a decent amount of work output. The practicum has taken particular effort to Keep Going, for reasons I'm not wholly clear on but which therapy has given me at least some insights into.
But everything has just been Difficult and I would rather sit on the couch and Not Think about any of it. I need to start looking for a job, which means I need to figure out where I'm looking for a job, since the BC Public Service is not even considering hiring anyone at all until probably July at the earliest. Add to that all the nonsensical horror / horrific nonsense from Down South and, well. Much easier to hide in front of the television.
So, this is the last week of my practicum. I'm making cookies to bring in to the office tomorrow, partly because I haven't done any baking for work at all and partly because making cookies is making a thing and that at least feels like ... progress, or accomplishment.
I'm pleased with what I've gotten done for the practicum. I spent the last three months creating new fire-centre maps of the Provincial radio repeaters, so that folks going out into the field will be better able to tell which repeater they're supposed to be talking to. It's not nearly as much as I'd wanted to do, or expected to do; institutional barriers and my own inexperience both worked against me there. But it's a start, and what I've got will be helpful.
It's also been feeling pointless, and it took me til today in counseling to work out why: not pointless in the sense of "the work is pointless busywork that no one will use," the way too much of my work for the last twenty years has been, but rather in the sense of "i will likely never see these people again." I'd wanted my practicum to be a first step towards BC government employment, and that's not happening, or if it is it's not for quite some time. So: marking time, staying apart, not getting involved, same military-brat playbook I've always run when it's spring and we're moving this summer.
I am proud of the PDF maps, though. Eventually they'll be up on the Provincial radio system website, and I'll put up a link then.
The Databases course is done (88%, coincidentally the same grade I got in DB1 under Stupid Rob). The only coursework I have left is Management Issues In GIS, aka "how to deploy an enterprise GIS system," and a final recorded-presentation and written-report on the practicum.
And then I'm done with schoolwork, again. I don't know what happens after that, other than "I look for a job in what seems likely to be an abysmal economy." I'm pretty deeply worried about that part but on the other hand there is literally nothing more I can do about it, so, shrug-emoji.
I'm going back to Niagara in a little over a week. I'm also nervous about that: making a land crossing in upstate New York with an X-gender passport does not thrill me with anticipation. I guess I can continue to be a useful coal-mine-canary: if I, a pale-skinned US citizen, get any trouble, that ought to indicate something.
I'm letting several folks, on both sides of the border, know when I'm crossing, and will ping them again once I'm through. I wish I thought I were being paranoid.
I love you. Stay safe and take care of each other.