back again
Jun. 7th, 2019 05:13 pmI spent the last two weeks, more or less, in Vancouver and surrounds.
I'm happy to be home but not entirely convinced that it's home. I haven't been keeping on top of the random stuff that accumulates on flat surfaces, and I suspect that stresses me out. Then again, some of the not-keeping-on-top-of is a result of a general lack of energy. Which is itself Not A Good Sign.
In some ways I feel like the last N years have been moving from place to place, hoping I'll fit better, finding I fit worse. Fort, from Vancouver, from DC, from Blacksburg. Though I left B'burg because it wasn't my place anymore. Many of the people I liked had left years ago.
Here and now I have all my stuff, books and games on shelves, and ... and not really anyone to share it with. I did not ask for this ridiculous dependency on people but it seems to have come along for the trip anyway. (See also: abandonment issues.)
So. Talking to people a bit more than in the past month. Trying to keep up on journaling, in the awareness that there are things I'm unhappy with and the hope that writing about them will force me to recognise them, "This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine" and all. I don't know that this will work but I don't really have any other tools.
I'm happy to be home but not entirely convinced that it's home. I haven't been keeping on top of the random stuff that accumulates on flat surfaces, and I suspect that stresses me out. Then again, some of the not-keeping-on-top-of is a result of a general lack of energy. Which is itself Not A Good Sign.
In some ways I feel like the last N years have been moving from place to place, hoping I'll fit better, finding I fit worse. Fort, from Vancouver, from DC, from Blacksburg. Though I left B'burg because it wasn't my place anymore. Many of the people I liked had left years ago.
Here and now I have all my stuff, books and games on shelves, and ... and not really anyone to share it with. I did not ask for this ridiculous dependency on people but it seems to have come along for the trip anyway. (See also: abandonment issues.)
So. Talking to people a bit more than in the past month. Trying to keep up on journaling, in the awareness that there are things I'm unhappy with and the hope that writing about them will force me to recognise them, "This thing of darkness I acknowledge mine" and all. I don't know that this will work but I don't really have any other tools.