other than that, mrs lincoln
Jan. 19th, 2025 11:28 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jazzfish2024 was, in a lot of ways, 2023 redux. Not super surprising, I guess.
I dunno, it feels like there was less travel. Ohio rather than Niagara, in April; Washington state twice, for camping and for pottery etc. Minneapolis and Fort / Prince, several times each. More travel than I think, but much of that was to see partners. Who, fair play, did come out to see me as well.
Physical is mostly a wreck. I biked over the summer and then simply let everything go again once fall hit, with work and class and rainygrey and all. On the bright side the Concerta, replacement for the sleep-disrupting dextroamphetamine, does seem to help with general functionality. After this fall I suspect that some form of antidepressant should also be on the menu.
Financials of course remain a wreck, but that was known. With any luck 2025 will be the last year for a long time that I feed myself out of my seed corn. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenses nineteen pounds nineteen shillings sixpence, result: happiness; annual income twenty pounds, annual expenses twenty pounds sixpence, result: misery. If and when I sell Corvaric and move elsewhere I will recoup a ridiculous amount of money, and will be able to cover my student loans and replenish my retirement, so I am less concerned about money than I perhaps should be.
My social life was to some extent a casualty of the extended depressive episode that ate my fall. In July I stopped gaming with Rainbow House, in a way that I'm not pleased with myself about though the end result is a positive one. Noel's been a godsend on that front; he's not only interested in the same kinds of games I am, he's happy to organize impromptu game nights and has a broad enough circle that that's possible. Dinners with Mya and Julianne remain mainstays. A few other folks (Kevin, Lee&Amos) may be moving from 'acquaintance' to 'friend' as well, which would be nice. I get lonely, it turns out.
Romantic, well. Things with Erin started rocky and now simply aren't; things with Steph started good and got better. I also got to observe myself during a number of short-lived (measurable in hours) crushes. That was honestly fascinating and gave me a much better sense of what's going on with me when those happen.
I don't talk publicly about my spiritual practice, so this is mostly to note that a) I have one, and b) it's stepped up a bit over the last year, year and a half. It's been good for me as well.
The last couple of years have been startlingly good for me as far as ... getting my head on straight, I guess. Understanding where I'm coming from, learning how to care for the parts of myself that didn't get the care they needed. That, I think, will be the legacy of my time here at Corvaric: learning to believe that I'm not fundamentally broken or unloveable. Last year I wrote that In general I feel ... well loved, and maybe approaching secure. That continues to startle me, both that it feels true and that I can say it.
It's been a difficult landing but a worthwhile one, and a time of more transitions than I'd expected. One hopes that the coming year will wrap up the largest of them and see me in a place that's at least mostly stable. It'd be nice to have that for awhile.
I dunno, it feels like there was less travel. Ohio rather than Niagara, in April; Washington state twice, for camping and for pottery etc. Minneapolis and Fort / Prince, several times each. More travel than I think, but much of that was to see partners. Who, fair play, did come out to see me as well.
Physical is mostly a wreck. I biked over the summer and then simply let everything go again once fall hit, with work and class and rainygrey and all. On the bright side the Concerta, replacement for the sleep-disrupting dextroamphetamine, does seem to help with general functionality. After this fall I suspect that some form of antidepressant should also be on the menu.
Financials of course remain a wreck, but that was known. With any luck 2025 will be the last year for a long time that I feed myself out of my seed corn. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenses nineteen pounds nineteen shillings sixpence, result: happiness; annual income twenty pounds, annual expenses twenty pounds sixpence, result: misery. If and when I sell Corvaric and move elsewhere I will recoup a ridiculous amount of money, and will be able to cover my student loans and replenish my retirement, so I am less concerned about money than I perhaps should be.
My social life was to some extent a casualty of the extended depressive episode that ate my fall. In July I stopped gaming with Rainbow House, in a way that I'm not pleased with myself about though the end result is a positive one. Noel's been a godsend on that front; he's not only interested in the same kinds of games I am, he's happy to organize impromptu game nights and has a broad enough circle that that's possible. Dinners with Mya and Julianne remain mainstays. A few other folks (Kevin, Lee&Amos) may be moving from 'acquaintance' to 'friend' as well, which would be nice. I get lonely, it turns out.
Romantic, well. Things with Erin started rocky and now simply aren't; things with Steph started good and got better. I also got to observe myself during a number of short-lived (measurable in hours) crushes. That was honestly fascinating and gave me a much better sense of what's going on with me when those happen.
I don't talk publicly about my spiritual practice, so this is mostly to note that a) I have one, and b) it's stepped up a bit over the last year, year and a half. It's been good for me as well.
The last couple of years have been startlingly good for me as far as ... getting my head on straight, I guess. Understanding where I'm coming from, learning how to care for the parts of myself that didn't get the care they needed. That, I think, will be the legacy of my time here at Corvaric: learning to believe that I'm not fundamentally broken or unloveable. Last year I wrote that In general I feel ... well loved, and maybe approaching secure. That continues to startle me, both that it feels true and that I can say it.
It's been a difficult landing but a worthwhile one, and a time of more transitions than I'd expected. One hopes that the coming year will wrap up the largest of them and see me in a place that's at least mostly stable. It'd be nice to have that for awhile.
When the hunger comes and finds you
The only code it knows is rote survival
"You'll do the rest in your spare time"