(no subject)

[jazzfish]

N's post and commentary

Yeah. This sounds like a Private entry to me. Or maybe E/K only. [As I no longer care what Nathan thinks, this has been opened to all, as of 2009-06-17. It may be relocked at some future date.]
I'd make it a comment in the entry in question but there's a game tonight and I have work and game is so not the time to deal with fallout from this. So I'll make it a comment either tomorrow or when I get back from break.

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What to do when you piss someone off that you care about:

1. You apologize, assuming you weren't intending to piss them off to begin with. First damn thing you do. It is far easier to regain trust/respect/affection if you take steps to deal with the damage immediately. Whether you think you were in the wrong or not, they certainly see it as such, and an apology will open important channels of communication for the second step.
(Of course, if you were intending to piss them off to begin with, you congratulate yourself and move on with life.)

2. You determine exactly what went wrong. Communication is vital here. Some amount of tact is also vital; the other person is very emotional, and prodding at the hurt will cause them to lash out. Be gentle.
Note that someone who is pissed off for insufficient reason is likely to feel some remorse in addition to the anger, making the next two steps less of an issue once communication has been established.

3. You make amends. This may be as simple as the aforementioned apology, or it may be more involved.

4. You don't do it again. ""Do or do not; there is no try." Intending not to do it again is worthless (for one point, complete the phrase: "The road to Hell is paved...").

Thoughts?

Comments

[uilos.livejournal.com]

Note that I was not nearly nice as you, but I am not a terribly nice and/or forgiving person. Quotations are N's post. Here is what I was pounding away on (word for word) while you were laundering/plotting:

I am not capable of putting this in delicate terms, so please filter this accordingly.

I notice the one thing you don't ask in this post is: why do you keep making people mad?

"Yesterday, I managed to distress Kelly enough to make her want to smash her keyboard. A few Sunday's ago, I managed to get Deinna upset enough to throw a glass at the wall. I've noticed that I've managed to piss off uilos several times over the past month or three, as well."

You piss me off more often than I let on lately. Why do you make me mad? You have been irresponsible, smug, and unrepentant. You have been giving the impression that you don't care what anyone else thinks about you and you are sorry that we feel that way. Not sorry that you made us mad. Sorry that we are mad is not the same thing. It makes the matter worse. A brain to mouth filter seems to seems to be lacking.

"You'd think, after 8 years with it as a known problem, I'd be able to fix it... admittedly, I did, it just required never opening my mouth. Ever. If I didn't communicate, it didn't happen. Simple, elegant, and rather boring, as solutions go. I just couldn't stick to it."

That's not the solution. Shutting up just makes the matter worse. You might try asking people why they are mad at you. The are most likely trying to be (diplomatic?) and not tell you things you have not noticed. I've been. I assumed that you were just oblivious or didn't care.

"An irony of the situation is that at this point in my life, if I tried pulling away and not talking again, I'd end up pissing someone(s) off. "

Funny you say that, since a number of people feel like you are so involved in your relationship that everyone else has gotten shut out. The responses we have been getting is that you are sorry we feel this way and you are doing what you feel is right for you now. That's great, but if and/or when things fall through, there might not be any people left willing to deal with you.

[nixve.livejournal.com]

Tucker, you rock.